I can deal with that
by Keikokin
Summary: A short, fast silly romp of humor. A rip on Liar, Liar.


I can deal with that by Keikokin

Summary: This is a rip on Liar, Liar a short, fast romp of humor

LM/HP slash

May 7, 2005

Humor, fluff, OOC

_Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

Lucius stared at his birthday cake. It had entirely too many candles on it. He sneered at Narcissa for doing that. With a smirk towards her he made his wish.

/ I wish for one damn day I could tell everyone exactly what I thought of them consequences be damned. /

He blew out the candles, smiled at the standard pair of cufflinks he always received from his wife and went to bed. He prayed tomorrow would be better. Putting a pillow over his ears to drown out his wifes' snoring from the next room he prayed harder.

The next day arrived bright and early, as days tend to do when you'd rather wake up dead. Lucius showered and dressed and looked in the mirror.

"Shit, I look like my father," Lucius sneered and went back into his wardrobe. He came out with a white silk shirt tucked into black linen pants and black boots. Then he looked in the mirror again.

"That's better," Lucius smiled. Then looked with disgust at his walking cane. "This makes me look old, too." He took the wand out and performed a simple spell so he could draw it out of thin air at anytime, and left the room.

"Good morning dear," Narcissa sneered reeking of sex. 'Probably the pool boy', Lucius thought.

"It would be a truly great morning if we could get divorced today," Lucius smiled and drank his coffee. / Shit did I just say that? /

"Suits me you bastard," Narcissa sneered.

Lucius smirked and pulled his wand out of thin air. He produced the document and Narcissa signed it. Smiling happily now, he decided to go to Hogwarts to tell Draco. He apparated into Hogsmeade then decided to walk the rest of the way whistling as he did so. This was the best damn dream he'd ever had. Suddenly his arm burned and Voldemort appeared.

"Ah Lucius, my faithful servant, what news do you have of Mr. Potter?"

"Well, you nut ball, nazi want-to-be, he is standing right behind you waiting to kill you," Lucius pointed.

"Lucius, I do not find this amusing," Voldemort sneered.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Harry Potter yelled from behind Voldemort.

Voldemort dropped at Harrys' feet. "Told you so," Lucius beamed.

"Wow, how can I ever repay you Mr. Malfoy?" Harry smiled with rapture.

"Call me Lucius, move into the Manor and become my sex slave, hell marry me even," Lucius smirked.

Harrys' eyes about rolled out of his head. "Really?"

"Really, my naïve little concubine, now follow me to the school," Lucius started to whistle again. Voldemort was dead, he divorced the bitch he was about to have a lover and husband half his age! Life was GOOD. Harry walked by his side the entire way looking hungrily at him.

"See something you like Harry?" Lucius purred.

"Definitely. You look GOOD today Lucius," Harry smiled.

"Hmm, maybe you are not so naïve after all," Lucius smirked as they walked into the school, past several shocked students gaping at the pair holding hands, before they proceeded to the Headmasters' office. With a wink to Harry he gave the password. They ascended the stairs still holding hands.

"Lemon drop?" the Headmaster asked before taking in the fact they were holding hands.

"Okay here's the deal you balmy old git. Harry just killed Voldemort; he's out there on the sidewalk. So Harry is freed from your little chess game. He's getting his diploma today, cum laude, moving into the Manor with me and you are marrying us right now, got it?" Lucius smiled pulling Harry into his lap on one of the chairs.

"And hurry," Harry groaned his hormones strangling his vocal chords to make his voice much deeper.

Dumbledore blinked. "Oh well, I suppose if you have rings?"

Lucius pulled his wand out of thin air, drew two circles in the air and gave Harry one ring while he kept the other.

"Well, most irregular," The Headmaster said.

"Look, we don't want to know if you need a laxative, just marry us already," Lucius smirked.

"Do you Lucius Malfoy take this man Harry Potter to be your husband?"

"I do," Lucius smiled and put a ring on Harry's hand.

'Do you Harry Potter take this man Lucius Malfoy to be your husband?"

"Gods yes," Harry purred and put a ring on Lucius' hand.

"By the Order of Merlin I pronounce you oh my," the Headmaster whispered as the two men attacked each other in a heavy-duty lip lock. "Married," Albus gasped.

"OH MY!" said Professor McGonagall as she entered brandishing a diploma for Harry a few minutes later. Severus choked and Draco spluttered.

The newlyweds stopped snogging for a moment to look at the new arrivals.

"Look if it isn't the Virgin Headmistress and the original school nerd. Oh but how kind, they brought the royal pain in my ass, look Harry, wave to your new stepson," Lucius chuckled.

"Guess what SON, Lucius and I just got married. I'm moving into the Manor!" Harry smiled happily from where he was perched on top of Lucius lap.

"B-but mummy," Draco gasped.

"Divorced the bitch this morning this is the best birthday of my life!" Lucius smiled. Draco passed out into Severus' arms.

"OH I'll have to give you a present later!" Harry leered at Lucius.

"Oh behave," Lucius purred.

"I demand to know what is going on!" Minerva gasped.

"Oh here's a Knut call someone who cares," Lucius smirked and tossed a Knut at her.

"Lucius have you gone mad!" Severus suddenly bellowed.

"Nope, best damn day ever," Lucius beamed. "Give my husband his damn diploma already!"

Dumbledore handed over the paper in shock as the two almost ran from the room. They dashed down one hallway after the next to the main door.

"Harry where are you going?" Ron Weasley suddenly appeared with Hermione near the front doors.

"To go have his ass pounded by his new husband, ME!" Lucius smirked holding out Harry's hand to show the two matching wedding bands. The two brave Gryffindors passed out cold. Stepping over the two the newlyweds continued on to the front doors.

"Err, Harry what are you doing with him?" Hagrid asked at the front door.

"Oh, Hagrid, guess what? We got married. I've graduated and Lucius helped me kill Voldemort. Now he's going to shag me silly. I won't die a virgin isn't it wonderful?"

"Oh, Merlin you're a virgin?" Lucius gasped leering at Harry.

"Oh yeah," Harry leered back.

"Oh, is your ass going to be tight! Time to go!" Lucius dragged Harry out the front doors before Hagrid could say anything more than, " Err."

The newlyweds fairly sprinted to the apparition site in Hogsmeade when they ran into Rita Skeeter by Voldemorts dead body.

"Harry Potter is it true? Did you kill Voldemort?" she asked.

"The name is Harry James Malfoy now and yes, my husband Lucius and I killed him." Harry beamed.

"So that's enough talk, leave us alone so we can go home and I can pop my husbands cherry you stupid witch!" Lucius stormed past her with Harry running to keep up.

"Lucius, that was rude!" Harry chided.

"No rude is when you spit and don't swallow," Lucius smirked and they disapparated away.

"Swallow don't spit is that right Lucius?" Harry asked as they arrived at the Manor.

Lucius smiled," You learn fast. Let's go fuck." Harry was unceremoniously dragged down to Lucius' bedroom, and then tossed on to the bed.

"Do I get to give you your birthday present now, my husband?" Harry smiled.

"Oh yes, virgin with cherry up his ass!" Lucius beamed and pulled his wand out of the air, unclothed them both and procured a bottle of lube.

"You know you seem very, um, frank today," Harry smirked then moaned as Lucius stuck his tongue down his throat. 

"Shut up, Harry," Lucius ordered.

"Whatever you say, you sexy man of mine," Harry said before Lucius moved down to tormenting his nipples.

"I am going to fuck you so hard Harry. You won't be able to move for a week," Lucius purred moving down to tongue Harry's navel.

"OH LUCIUS," Harry called as Lucius sucked his entire cock into his mouth.

"This is the swallow don't spit part love," Lucius purred and sucked Harry until he screamed his release into his mouth.

"Shit, you scream like a girl Harry," Lucius smirked as he lubed up his cock and slipped a finger into Harrys' hole.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Harry groaned. "More!'

"No, it's not a bad thing Harry. I just never had any one scream like that before," Lucius smirked as he put a second finger in the hole.

"Will this hurt Lucius?" Harry asked sounding like a virgin for the first time.

"In the beginning and when you try to sit tomorrow but in between, pure heaven," Lucius put in a third finger,

"Oh well, thanks for being honest," Harry said softly.

Lucius grabbed a pillow and shoved it under Harry's tight ass before he entered.

"OH YES!" Lucius smiled. "I'm ACTUALLY GETTING SOME!" he roared.

"Happy birthday Lucius," Harry groaned wiggling his ass for more.

The birthday boy pounded into Harry slowly at first then harder and harder. Harry screamed his release first then followed by Lucius shooting his load into Harry. The couple managed to do it two more times that night before they fell asleep in each other's arms.

"Can wizards get pregnant?" Harry asked before they fell asleep.

"Yes, but as long as they aren't little pricks like Draco we'll be fine," Lucius smiled and fell asleep after the best birthday of his life.

The next morning Lucius did not want to get up. But he knew he had to so he reluctantly did. He was rather surprised to suddenly be pinned under a very naked Harry.

"My turn?" Harry purred.

"Harry? You mean that wasn't a dream? I did divorce Narcissa, help you kill Voldemort, told off Minerva, Snape and Albus, got you your diploma, put that brat son of mine in his place, married you, gave an interview in the press and then shagged your cherry to death all night long possibly making you pregnant in the process?"

"Yeah," Harry growled lustily.

"I can deal with that," Lucius smiled happily and let his new husband have his turn.


End file.
